None suffer more than the ones we love and love us dearly. My partner has suffered through 70% of my addicted life and search for sanity by my side. He has tried his hardest to support, comfort, and encourage me but is always hurt by my unpredictable emotions, dangerous behaviors, and outright ridiculous mental comprehension. In my outbursts, I have often threatened leaving the family or ending our relationship. In deeper stages of depression, I would express feeling fed up with life in all its dread and monotony, blaming him for my being overwhelmed by our children.
When negative behaviors are simply ignored and allowed to continue occurring, they easily become bad habits, and eventually, part of your character. I am always fighting off an outburst, but they still slip through the cracks. My family has become used to the manic episodes and depressing periods of my personality, but it’s unfair to their daily life and routines to live in my wake of destructive patterns. But they are just that...patterns, cycles of behavior. They can be monitored and logged through journaling and other forms of therapeutic tracking.
I study astrology and can line up my manic/depressive behavior with the phases of the moon and planetary transits on my natal chart. But that's my personal process that is in sync with my spiritual beliefs and connection to my higher power.
Keeping a record of or being able to recognize when a negative mental state may be approaching, helps to plan for more solitude or help with the children, whatever you have come to need. Knowing myself and my patterns, I can prepare my household so I won’t need to do as much when I certainly will not feel like doing anything. The same stands true for manic energy, since I am most helpful engulfed in a tedious project.
The frequency of blackouts I had been living in and out of the last decade of my addiction, prevented me from even remembering many of the horrific encounters my family had with me during my binges and manic tantrums. This pains my heart deeply because, on those occasions I cannot genuinely apologize for actions I do not remember and therefore, form a twisted sense of self and feel immense anger for the person responsible for being cruel to my family. This person is me, but I do not know her.
It is important as we heal ourselves, to be aware of the damage we have also caused to those around us, and that attention must be paid in healing others too. Have a conversation with your partner and/or children and reassure them of your devotion and love for your family and the steps you are willing to take to make things better. After that just listen. It may be hard to hear your family's true feelings about you and your behavior, or you may have already been hearing it daily. Either way, they need to truly be heard and you must hear their heart's words with empathy and compassion, that they might keep with you during darker times.
Mindful Minute:
- Who supports you most?
- Has your mental health or addiction affected the people around you?
- What are the negative effects your affliction has on others?
- Have you lost people from your life due to your affliction?
- What attempts have you made to rectify your mistakes?
- Have you made amends or asked forgiveness from those you’ve hurt.
- What broken relationships have you mended?
- Do you still have amends to make? Write something you need to share with someone you care about.
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