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Calming Conflict

           Correcting bad behavior, however you have decided discipline takes form in your home, must be consistent. Administering empty threats and endless ultimatums to our children will lead them to believe we’re lying about the consequences of their actions. For it is the parent’s behavior which is unstable and unpredictable. Especially if you lose your cool frequently. Towering over your toddler yelling is only going to make him/her zone out wondering what's wrong with you or frighten them to tears. Either way, they're not learning anything from the hysterical rantings of your meltdown.

            Always get yourself calm back down first. Take a minute before you react to catch yourself: count to 10, drink some water, walk around the house, take deep breaths. Whatever you need to do for emotional preservation, do it. When you are able to peacefully interact with your child, go to them to initiate a healthy conversation. 

Put yourself on equal grounds for balanced communication. Sit side-by-side on the couch or kneel to their height. Get eye level with each other. Making eye contact with anyone can bring an intense human connection. You want that bond established when speaking with your child so you both become emotionally exposed. 

Being the windows to the soul, a person’s eyes could reveal their sincerity and vulnerabilities, or lies and deceit. Because of this, eye contact is crucial in healthy communication. 

     When parents and children are engaged in conversation with each other, they must proceed to speak with caution. We do not want to shame or guilt our children. We must learn to teach and discipline without harsh words or slander, no ultimatums or bribery. One should handle their words delicately. Keeping your voice soft and mellow will set the tone for the child and gentle communication can take place. Explain why you’re upset and how the situation affected you. Apologize when necessary. Proceeded to simply lay out how they misbehaved, the effect on the family, and how any issues can be resolved. If discipline is warranted, do so justly based on the severity of the incident, the child's age, others affected, etc.

Keeping the relationship balanced, the parent too, must listen to the concerns of the child. They have to be open and patient. It is difficult for children to put emotions into words, as most of us can relate. Share in his/her little moment of self-discovery, and together come to an understanding with mutual growth and respect. This process will also reduce miscommunication with younger children, as you will likely learn to understand their speech and context better, simply through the conversation. If we take care to handle the tougher issues properly, they will occur less frequently, if not resolved entirely.


Mindful Minute:


  • Does your family have an agreed upon discipline system?
  • Are disciplinary interactions productive and healthy? 
  • Why or why not?
  • Is everyone consistent in enforcing discipline when necessary?
  • Are your children responding well to these methods? Why or why not?
  • What do you need to do differently?
  • Are there any new methods you would like to research or try?


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