My Addiction Story

My recovery has been an ongoing process since I was 16 years old. I have been on and off again in my sobriety for 12 years. I was in denial about a lot of things in my life and couldn’t see what I was doing to my body, my family, and my mental well-being.

In the later stages of my use, I walked around at an average weight of 83lbs. and my muscular structure was pretty much deteriorating off my bones. Regardless of blatantly knowing I was steadily killing myself; I was still getting up every day and walking a mile to the liquor store, drinking all day, eating nothing, and believing I was okay. I was also objectifying myself to multiple, undeserving sexual partners. Most of the time I had been too intoxicated to remember the encounters, or whether or not I had protected myself from these previously mentioned undesirables. I put not only myself at risk, but also my significant other with my infidelity and promiscuity. I was naïve to the danger I lived in and had lost all respect and love for myself.

Suffering more than my health was my unstable emotional and mental state. I have dealt with constant mood swings, depression, anxiety, and obsession. I have previously been diagnosed as bi-polar, most recently said to be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I self-medicated with alcohol and drugs, which only led to blackouts, broken morals, and debauchery, followed by more depression, guilt, and shame.

I have lived as this separate persona who does whatever she wants, doesn’t care ‘what-so-ever’ about anything but getting drunk and hanging around easily manipulated people to play along in this game of addiction. I pushed out and ran away from the people that truly loved and cared for me while I was using. I was in denial of the fact that my family needed and loved me, that I was killing myself and destroying the lives of those I love around me.

I fully came to understand my life had become unmanageable when I was disappearing on my daughters and family to use, because I could not stop even knowing my time with them was limited. If my addiction had caused me to put myself or my girls in dangerous, unsafe situations, I would curse myself for being the person I had become and question God for a way out of the life-threatening grasp alcohol had on me.

I have tried controlling myself by switching what I used, who I used with, and what I did while using--anything to “make-it-work” ...it never worked. I am no longer in denial of the detriment mental illness and addiction caused my family. All my circumstantial and situational issues leading to demise, have all stemmed from raging alcoholism, misdiagnosed mental contributors, and spiritual void.